Love and Logic Parenting
Several parents have recommended the "Love and Logic" books as a good series on parenting style. The method seems to be sweeping through Anchorage right now, and for good reason. It advocates making kids' problems their own -- as parents we sometimes feel like they are OUR problems, so we end up trying to solve the problem or get angry about the problem. Instead, "Love and Logic" advocates allowing natural consequences to happen as the "punishment" for bad behavior, which frees up the parent to be sympathetic about the consequences a child might suffer rather than getting angry or feeling overwhelmed by trying to solve the child's problems for them. They recommend fewer words since kids generally know the consequences of things and don't need us to remind them 5 times. The books remind us that we don't generally get 5 reminders from bosses or teachers about working needing to get done, so we need to prepare kids for the real world by teaching similar consequences at home. Sounds easy, but it isn't.

In many ways my parenting style goes along well with the advice in the books, but in some ways it doesn't. For instance, I have traditionally felt like it's MY problem if Christopher is late for school, so I have spent way too much time nagging, cajoling, and guiding his every step in the morning (i.e. go brush your teeth right now so we're not late, finish your breakfast now!). Instead, according to "Love and Logic" I should let him suffer the natural consequence, which might be being late to school, or not having boots packed in his backpack and not getting to play at recess, or even getting a cavity because he didn't have time to brush his teeth. "Love and Logic" even recommends letting a child know that they will be paying for the dentist visit for the cavity since it was their choice not to brush, but not to worry since they can pay it off over time and mom will help them find more jobs around the house to help them pay it off. At that point, it's the child's choice what to do. It would likely take no more than one cavity for the child to choose to change their behavior.

I'm trying to implement the advice starting with "problem" areas in our life. First up -- the dinner table. Cate has the tendency to get up out of her chair, go play, and then come back to eat. It can make dinner last a very long time, with me constantly reminding her to come back to the table. It puts me in an adversarial role which is stressful. On Sunday, I shared the "new" rules once, and then began implementing. The first time Cate was out of her seat, I cleaned up her dinner plate. She was hungry and cried, but last night she stayed in her chair until she was done, even after I got up from the table to start cleaning up.

Last night Christopher complained and complained about dinner, refusing to eat what I had cooked and secretly hoping I'd let him eat something else. I told him how sorry I was that he didn't like the dinner and promised he'd have a good breakfast in the morning, and then cleaned his dinner plate. He complained all night, breaking out into tears even. I didn't get angry (which would have been a usual response from me) but instead just stayed sympathetic, reminding him that another meal would come and he'd have a choice whether to eat it. We'll see if dinner is complained about tonight.

All in all -- recommended books for parents. However, it's going to take some serious thought as to how to apply in all of our "problem" parenting areas.